


broken glass on our skin

by honeybadgers



Category: Formula E RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, M/M, Multi, So much angst, im so sorry sarah, mafia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 08:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16425725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybadgers/pseuds/honeybadgers
Summary: You aren't always born with power, but power has a price(or a mafia au)For Rae, the birthday girl, happy birthday!





	broken glass on our skin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RaRaRaenbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaRaRaenbow/gifts).



> this took like more than half a year to make because i am that bitch. but major thanks to the birthday girl rae and for sarah for the endless support and the faith you had in me for making this a great story!
> 
> title taken from one mississippi by zara larsson

They knew their destiny ever since they were born. They knew their fates would be intertwined eventually. Robin knew ever since he was a child that he would be the second hand man to his best friend. It has been imprinted in his head ever since.

 

_ Protect him first and then yourself, Robin. He will be important one day, and you need to be there for him in all cases. Besides protecting him, you need to consult him. You will fulfil an important role for an important person. _

_ Just like I am doing right now. _

 

Robin initially didn't really understand what he meant. He heard about the things they did but he never saw them actually doing them. As a six year old boy, it sounded like adult things, things he couldn't relate to.

 

He asked Ant once about it but the boy shrugged.

“We will see one day.” Robin knew what his father meant when he was nine. That was when he held a gun in his hand for the first time. It felt surprisingly light and simultaneously heavy in his hands.

 

“I hope you won't have to use this often, kid. But when you need to, it is necessary to know how to work with it.”

 

Robin remembers his father’s hand holding his arm tightly to keep it balanced, he remembers the loud bang and the recoil. It wasn't a perfect shot, it was somewhere in the hipbone of the dummy. Severe, but not fatal, his father said. Robin watched with widened eyes that his father grabbed his own gun and shot twice.

 

In the heart. 

 

“You will get there son. I believe you can do it. And remember, this is all for protecting your friend, the future boss.”

 

Robin nods, once, biting his lip. He doesn't want his best friend to get hurt.

 

He holds the gun tighter in his hand, and he imagines that the dummy is someone who wants to hurt Ant. And it feels frighteningly real. His best friend, being held tight by the captor, tears in his brown eyes, a blood smear on his cheek. 

And Robin can't deal with that. 

 

He shoots twice, he ignores the recoil, he just thinks of the idea of his best friend hurt.

 

The first shot ends up in the shoulder of the paper target, the second in the heart. And it doesn't feel enough. Not enough to protect his best friend. It isn't a direct strike, it would give the other enough time to actually shoot him  _ or  _ Ant.

 

And Robin keeps shooting. He keeps shooting for hours, he keeps shooting until there are more bullet holes in the target than that there is paper, until it is already night because he doesn't want anyone to hurt Ant. ”How was your training yesterday?”  Ant asks.

 

“Exhausting,” Robin says. And it  _ was. _ It was difficult to fall asleep, not when the idea of his best friend hurting haunted him.

 

“Are you alright?” Ant asks, concern lying in his voice.

 

“No, not really,” Robin says quietly. He doesn't dare to tell about the nightmares he had considering his best friend hurt in any way. It will sound ridiculous anyway. How can he say that he cried the whole night because of them? 

 

_ Don't cry, his father says. _

 

_ It isn't in a particularly affectionate and caring voice. It rather sounds demanding. _

 

_ “You shouldn't look weak in front of anyone. Don't let them show any glassy eyes or any puffy eyes. Because if you do so, they will get Ant. And you don't want him to get hurt right?” _

 

Robin knows that he shouldn't look weak because showing your weaknesses will become your eventual death, whether physically or mentally.

 

But he feels safe here, when they are alone, no demanding voices telling him what to do and especially what not to do.

 

“I was afraid. I was afraid of you getting hurt.”

 

He leans in and he cries. He cries in Ant his t-shirt until it becomes soaked, the only thing coming out of his mouth are muffled sobs. Ant sits there in silence and he lets Robin be, he doesn't really care about his shirt, he cares more about the well being of his friend.

 

“Everything will be all right, I promise.”

 

He doesn't know if it is true, if it is even possible, but for one moment, he likes to imagine it  _ can _ be all right for them. Robin keeps shooting targets and analysing possible threats. Ant keeps learning about the business and the other families. 

 

Robin is nineteen and Ant is twenty-one when they are sitting on Ant his bed. Their parents finally gave them a break after long hours of training. Over the years they have hardened themselves, they aren't the little scared kids they were seven years ago. They have hardened, to protect themselves. But not when they are alone with the two of them : then they let their guards down and confide themselves in each other's company.

 

“My dad told me that we shouldn't hang out anymore,” Ant says quietly.

 

Robin can't help but stare in confusion at the older boy. “Why?”

 

“Because he says that you will otherwise become my Achilles’ heel. But you already are. That one weakness which they can manipulate me. A vulnerable spot in an armor that I have tried to build for so long. And if they found out that you are that soft spot for me, they will get you. And I can't live with the idea that you will get hurt because of  _ me _ .”

 

_ How ironic _ , Robin thinks. All my life I have learned how to protect him from any harm. But he can't protect himself from me, the one that has been assigned since birth to protect him. 

 

“So, you basically say that we shouldn't hang out anymore because you are too fond of me.”

 

“That’s right. How difficult it is to admit it for me. But I had to tell it to you, or otherwise my father did. And I refused to do that. I wanted to tell it to you, not because I take any pride out of it or because I wanted to hurt you, that is never my intention.

I insisted on telling it to you because I-I-I didn't want you to think of me that I was too ashamed to talk about it. It wasn't my own decision, I didn't ask for it.”

 

“I know.”

 

Robin knows that sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. But this is a kind of sacrifice he never wanted to make. Neither of them do.

 

“I know,” Robin says more quietly. He leans in, slowly, not willing to scare Ant away. 

 

Their lips almost brush against one another, like a pencil would gently touch the canvas. And as soon as their lips brushed, as quickly they were gone. A brief goodbye kiss between lovers.

 

Robin opens his eyes and stares intensely at Ant’s, brown lock on blue. They stare like that for what feels like an eternity. They say nothing, they do nothing, they just stare at one another. It is completely silent, apart from their breathing.

 

In, out, in, out.

 

Then the Portuguese extends his hand, caressing Robin’s cheeks with his thumb, slowly, gently.

 

And this time, he leans in, more certain, more determined. Robin doesn't respond immediately so Ant pushes a tiny bit harder against the Dutchman’s lips.  _ It is okay, I want this _ is what Ant tries to say without words. And somehow Robin seems to get the message. He responds, first a bit hesitant but quickly he kisses as feverish. Their lips are cracked but neither care about that. They think about how good this feels, how good they feel, how complete. They don’t care about the emptiness they desperately try to cover up now.

 

Ant pulls him in, intensifying the kiss and Robin lets out a soft moan. He wants this, he  _ needs  _ this even. They kiss like there was no other source of oxygen than each other.

 

They kiss each other like that for a while, not aware of the time passing, right now they just enjoy each other's company as long as time allowed them to. When they pull back, clearly exhausted, Robin doesn't dare to look at Ant. He shouldn't have initiated this and mainly, he shouldn't have liked this. 

 

This is risky, this is dangerous, because right now, he has tightened the bow string of the bow, aimed at Ant’s heel. He only has to release the string and Ant will get shot. They have done this many times before, and everytime he shrugged it off. But the fact that they are now not allowed to without having dire consequences for the both of them. 

 

_ I shouldn't have done this, _ Robin thinks.  _ I really shouldn't have. I have ruined it. _

 

“I shouldn't have done this,” Robin says, stumbling and pushing himself off the bed, away from Ant. 

 

But before he can actually get away, a hand stops him from moving. He is petrified. He certainly will get punished for this.

 

“It is okay, it is fine. I am not going to punish you for this. I wouldn't do that. And besides, I kinda liked it.”

 

“But you shoul- You did?” Robin is crying by now, tears are streaming down his face. He shouldn't have done this. If someone else found out about this, he is screwed. And Ant liking it makes it even worse right now. 

It was awful to even make the first move, but Ant liking it? He has released the arrow by now, flying towards the Portuguese’s ankle. 

 

“No you shouldn't like this Ant. You absolutely shouldn't. I am no good for the both of us. I only make you weak. And you shouldn't be. I...I need to leave, before someone notices us.”

 

And so he goes, with tears in his eyes, a clouded mind and a torn heart. He leaves Ant alone in his room, with a confused and hurt face and all that is between them is silence. It is all secrecy between them for the next couple of months. It are hidden kisses in closets, the soft caress of fingers over injuries. The realisation of the mutual feeling makes Robin more reckless than ever. It is somehow like a drug, stuck in his system and he can’t detoxicate himself from it - if he even wanted that. Addicted to the soft kisses, the feeling of being loved in a home in which feelings were never entirely shown. Yet also more on guard. He has done this training for over ten years, he has learned for ten years on how to protect his friend -lover, even, maybe, they never told the usual  _ I love you _ ’s a normal couple would, because how normal are they? He doesn’t want Ant to die because he was too weak to shoot, afraid of accidentally hurting him.

 

“I am afraid, of myself.”

“How?”

“Because I am afraid I can’t do what I have to do when it is the most necessary. I am afraid I will be weak - if I am not weak already - on the most critical moment. My dad has started me notice becoming soft. I think he is suspecting we are still seeing each other. And if my dad knows, yours does too.”

“I-I-”

“I still wonder when your parents are going to marry you off, with being the sole heir and such. And probably both our parents probably aren’t down for it, us together. That is why we are constantly hiding from them right?”

 

“Don’t fill in my thoughts for yourself!” Ant says angrily. He didn’t mean to say it so harsh but it just frustrates him so much.

“Nice! Try to convince me otherwise then because your behaviour is showing something different than what you mean to say. You are so vague you know! On one moment you are all affectionate towards me and on the other you ignore me like I am just part of the walls.”

“I am just trying to hide what we have!”

“I understand that part, but it seems like you are ashamed of me, am I right or wrong?”

“No, no just-”

“You just admitted it!” Robin is getting considerably more angry. He can’t deal with Ant his strange behaviour. He has always preferred it when people are straightforward and when people are giving mixed signals it just makes him confused and he doesn’t know what is actually the truth.

“You want the truth? Fine. You were just a convenience, you just were there to satisfy my needs. I never really cared about you and I absolutely have never loved you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

 

Robin walks away without saying a word. In fact, they wouldn’t say many words to each other at all for a long time.

“Hush, don't make too much noise! You know that the boss won't appreciate it if we cause more mayhem than necessary. Just grab the boy and leave as fast and as quiet as possible.”

 

The two men flinch slightly, jumping away even, and it almost looks like they have been burned. 

 

“Be careful, for fuck's sake!”

 

They open the bedroom door quietly. It was awfully easy to get in here, as if everyone suddenly had gotten a sleeping powder. Thrown at the wolves but now they were unaware of everything.

 

As well as the boy. He is still asleep still unaware of the fate that will happen to him. When they grab him, the boy flinches for a moment, before staying still again, as if he is in some sort of troubled sleep. The third man puts, before he closes the bedroom door, a small letter on the cushion.

 

They walk away in the darkness. When Ant woke up the next morning, he immediately feels like there is something wrong. There is some mumbling in front of his door but Ant can't really decipher what they say. Out of curiosity he tiptoes closer towards the door, trying to eavesdrop on what the voices say.

 

“...he isn't here.”

“Have you checked everywhere?”

“Yes. He isn't here anymore.”

 

Panic rises in Ant’s body. He doesn't know who is gone and who they are talking about but deep inside there is this suspicion, this dark thought that it is Robin.

 

Please don't let it be him. Please. Robin wasn't supposed to be taken, Ant tells himself. They were supposed to get him, but they took Robin instead. They were in the wrong bedroom, their bedrooms are next to one another and- and then what? He doesn't want to think about this. Because the images that cross through his mind are too gore that he doesn't allow himself to visualise it. But also because he might be wrong. That he is overreacting, making the problem bigger than necessary. Inmeadiately the fight of yesterday pops up inside of his mind. Did he run away? What did he do? When he said those words the day before they had hurt, it was awful and heartwrenching to say them, but in the heat of the moment he had spat them out and he just wished he could reverse the clock, to handle the situation better.

 

It might be about some weapon orders, the confirmation paper of a cargo shipload, he says to himself.

 

All of a sudden, there is a knock on his door and Ant jolts away.

 

“Antonio?” the heavy voice sounds all too familiar. 

 

“Yes?”

“Can I come in?”

“Yes, of course.”

 

His dad enters his room and Ant feels that there is something wrong. The normally stern face of his father is replaced with a frown. He looks worried and Ant has learned throughout the years that when his father shows worry, there really is something to worry about.

 

“Something happened.”

“What happened?” 

“Robin has has been taken.”

“You-You’re lying. That can't be possible.”

“It is.”

 

His father gives him an envelope, one Ant hadn't noticed when he entered the room.

 

He opens the envelope slowly, the seal has already been opened but he doesn't dare to open the letter, almost as if he is afraid of its content. As if it is the Box of Pandora and that once he opens it that everything evil comes out of it.

 

If you try to find him, he will pay.

  * B



 

Ant’s mouth turns dry. Nine words. He never has been so scared and so afraid of mere ink. 

 

“We will try to find him, but we have to do it discreetly. Because...yeah, you know what will happen then.”

 

Ant nods, slowly. No more words are needed to realise its importance. 

When Robin wakes up, he gets hit with a feeling of unfamiliarity.

 

_ This is not my bed,  _ is the first thought that crosses his mind.

 

His back hurts awfully and the ground underneath him feels solid and cold. He can't decipher where he is. It is dark. He pushes himself up, settling himself in a sitting position. He can't think clearly right now, and he immediately has the urge to go to sleep again.

 

_ Has he been drugged? _

 

He has learnt the symptoms from his father. Nausea. Dizziness. Difficulty with vision. It all checks out. 

 

Once he has seated himself properly, he hasn't time to settle, because the door opens immediately and he gets hit with a beam of sunlight. No, it isn't sunlight. It is from the lamps. The light is partly covered by a silhouette.

 

“Good morning,” the person says. He has a slight accent but Robin can't really place it. But right now, he can't really place everything together. 

 

“Where am I? Why am I here? I am not that special,” he asks, more to himself than to the person, since he isn't expecting an answer from anyone here anytime soon.

 

“Not home sweet home. And Robin Frijns, you don't know of how much worth you are.”

 

Robin can't ask what he means by that because the door has already been closed before there comes any sound over his lips.

 

And then it kicks in. 

_ How did he know my name? _

 

Robin sits there for a while in silence. He observes his surroundings. It is completely dark here, apart from some light balls here and further away down the corridor. There are multiple cells down here, around twelve. Some are occupied -he can hear it by the muffled cries and the sobs and the mumbles.

 

_ “ _ Hello,” a voice says, somewhere left from him. It sounds cracked, dehydrated. It has a slight accent, and it reminds Robin of Ant. So it is probably someone who has been born in the Mediterranean. Spanish maybe, or Portuguese. 

 

‘Hi,” Robin says softly.

 

“I haven't had company for a while, unless you count the cries of the other prisoners and the men up above.”

 

Robin observes the man carefully, he can't see everything because of the lack of light here. But the man’s eyes have slightly sunken in, his cheekbones are standing out. His chin is stubbled, and it looks like he has been here for a while. 

 

“I'm Dani.”

“Robin.”

 

The man, Dani, extends his hand and shakes Robin’s hand. And Robin notices the bony fingers, a bit scarred. 

He doesn't try to think a lot about it. He doesn't want to think about it.

It becomes evident the next day. When he wakes up, he immediately gets taken to another room by a man, another one than the man he had met yesterday. They walk down the corridor, walking up on the stairs. They turn left, they turn right. It feels like a maze. 

 

They finally stop in front of a steel door. One of the guards opens the door and the other guard and Robin follow suit. They bond Robin on a chair, and Robin doesn't protest, since he doesn't want any trouble already.

 

_ Don’t say anything. Don’t protest.  _ His father’s voice hammers somewhere in the back of his mind.  _ Don't say anything. Don't protest. _

 

After tying him down on the chair by his hands, they leave. Robin watches the place. He looks for any notable things, but apart from the chair he is sitting on right now, there are no other objects in the room

 

The walls are covered with a dark brown substance. Blood, Robin thinks. He has seen it often during his training, in which wounds like that weren’t uncommon. Deep inside, he knew where he was heading to and now here he is. He isn't going to leave this room unscattered.

 

There is a soft noise, a cracking door, and Robin immediately turns his head around.

 

The man standing in the doorway has a long thin face and dark hair. He might not have much muscle, but he looks agile and his length are both advantages. But there won't be a fight, at least not an equal one. Not when Robin is tied down.

 

“So,” the man says, while he is closing the door gently, “do you know why you’re here?”

“I can't keep doing nothing dad! I can't just sit here and wait! I can't be just a pawn while it is their move to strike! I just want to do something!”

 

“I know, Antonio. I know you want to do something. Bu we need to move on. You can't keep standing still because of one person. We need to find a replacement. We need to continue. Pretend like it was nothing, like he was some far acquaintance.”

 

“You can say it so easy, but it isn't. At least not for me. He isn't replaceable, and you shouldn't treat him as such!” Ant has become angry, but he refrains himself. His father can't just casually decide what he should and what he absolutely shouldn't do.

 

“This is a learning process son. Don't get too attached to objects and especially not to people. They will only hurt you in the end. You need to learn that you shouldn't put a certain amount of worth on it. Do you understand?”

 

Ant is still angry at his dad, for saying it with so much nonchalance like it is fucking nothing. But all the fight has left his body, he doesn't dare to say anything. And that disgusts him. He should stand up for what is important but he doesn't dare to. 

 

He should but he can't.

“I have no clue,” Robin says.

 

The man slaps him as a response and as an immediate response Robin’s head is thrown to the right. 

 

“Oh dear, do you wanna know?”

“I was a mistake,” Robin says. “You wanted Ant but instead you got me.”

“Yes and no. Don't you know of how much worth you are?” The man caresses Robin’s cheek, on the exact same spot he just slapped him and Robin can't help but shy away from the contact.

 

“All along it was our idea to take you. Taking da Costa was too much of a risk but you, oh you. You were so awfully easy, and it harms da Costa even more. If you're hurt-” he raises his fist and punches Robin in the stomach, “-he is hurting too. How easy can it be? Two birds in one stone!”

 

“You don't know how much he is willing to sacrifice for you dear. And maybe, just maybe you will be dead when he arrives. It is all too late. Can you imagine it?”

Robin’s blood is going cold. He can imagine it. He pictures himself lying on the ground, his skin has gone cold and his body is covered in blood. And Ant holds him, caresses his dead body. Cold tears are cascading down a even colder body.

“Can you fight back? Can you even fight back for your man? Let's make this an equal fight.”

 

The man walks around him, loosens up the rope around his wrists. But before Robin can even react, he is thrown onto the floor. His lip is split, his tongue tries to get rid of the blood oozing out of the wound. The cold metallic taste feels familiar, and it reminds him of the endless hours of training he went through, how much blood he has shed over the years. Robin stumbles, pushes himself up. He kicks him in the stomach, and the impact makes the man stumble. Then Robin gives the man a good punch against his ear, making him off-balance and he stumbles on the ground. He lies on the ground, motionless.

 

And that is when the thought crosses his mind.  _ I could kill him.  _

 

And that paralyzes him. Even though he has been trained forever to kill, he had never actually killed someone. And the idea of doing that, frightens him. It feels like he will be losing a part of himself if he actually does that. He is standing stiff on the ground, doesn't dare to move. 

 

And the man notices that. He hits Robin’s leg hard and Robin falls hard on the ground.

 

But before he is even standing, the man is kicking him in the stomach and Robin falls down on his back. He tries to remember the training he had, but his mind is blank. Instead of instructions there is only fear in his mind and Ant. Ant Ant Ant. 

 

_ I’m so sorry _ , Robin thinks.

 

_ I’m so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.  _ He keeps thinking about how sorry he is that he is too weak to even save himself. He keeps thinking about how sorry he is when he doesn't make it out here alive. He keeps thinking how sorry he is that he isn't even strong enough to fight back. 

 

The kicks and the fists feel distant now. He wants to scream in pain but he is even too weak to do that. Robin coughs and blood is falling on the floor. He can only see red, red, red. 

 

And then it is black.

The next day Ant is introduced to his new right hand man. His father introduces him as Felix Rosenqvist and they shake hands and Ant notices how unknown this feels for him. He knows Felix a bit, they used to hang out sometimes, but Felix isn't Robin. At least, Felix doesn't mean as much to him as Robin did.

 

There are some things Felix and Robin had - have, he is still alive, Ant thinks - that they have in common. They are both quiet, the observers, the pleasers. Do as they are told. And maybe that is why his father picked Felix. He is easy to control since he doesn't want to anger people. 

 

But Ant says nothing, because that is what he does best sometimes. 

 

Over the course of weeks, they start to know each other better. And he more time they spent together, how more Ant thinks of Robin. Mainly because he and Felix are so alike. But also because he doesn't want to believe he is dead. His father wouldn't just abandon him or so? 

 

One day, Ant is looking at a picture of him and Robin when Felix walks in.

“How are you doing boss?”

“Just discussed some matters over a new drug shipment with di Grassi. Business is flowing lately.”

“I know boss.” 

 

Silence fills the room.

 

“I would like to know who the person was on the picture.” Felix says. His blue eyes are staring at Ant. “You don't have to of course,” he adds immediately.

 

The sudden curiosity surprises Ant, since Felix has seen the picture certainly many times and only now takes an interest in it.

 

“No one of any significance.” Ant says. He ignores the sting in his chest. He ignores how wrong it sounds. Robin doesn't know what is worse: the physical torture or the emotional taunting. 

 

The physical torture is just another reminder that he can't fight back. That he is too weak, that he isn't the person he aspired him to be. The bruises which make his skin turn into colors, making a strong contrast against his pale skin, which becomes paler and paler by the day. The cuts that indicate how broken his former armour is, if there even was one. 

 

But the emotional taunting is just simply another reminder. Another reminder of how worthless he is. Another reminder of everything he can't do. Their soft whispers nestle in his brain

 

“They also tell me he doesn't care about me anymore. I know, Robin. And the worst thing is that I believe them. I try to convince myself it isn't true what they say,  but there is no counter voice who tells me that everything what they tell me are lies. There is no such thing as certainty here.”

 

“But do  _ you _ ? Do you love him?”

 

Dani stays silent.

 

“I don't know. I don't know. But the worst thing is that I sometimes don't even know what is real and what not.” _ Robin was fourteen when the inevitable happened. _

 

_ Although there were multiple boys their age around, they were hanging out on a daily basis and when there is no one else around, you take a considerable interest in one another.  _

 

_It_ _begins with glances that linger a bit too long. Hands that gently caress bloodstained faces._

 

_ They once again are in Robin’s room. Unlike Ant’s, he doesn’t always get interrupted by someone in order to join with his father to do certain business Robin doesn’t know the full details about. _

 

_ Training has once again been exhausting. They are sitting on the bed. Both on the same edge.  _

 

_ Robin falls backwards and the only thing he wants to do is sleep, cuddle himself up in the blankets, like a cocoon. Ant follows suit. _

 

_ For a moment there is only silence, apart from their ragged breathing which slowly becomes more calm and constant. _

 

_ “You’re hurt.” Ant says softly. They have turned their faces towards one another now and that is when Ant noticed the bloody lip and the bruised cheek. He is used to this, but it hurts everytime when he sees it.  _ He is only fourteen,  _ he thinks. _

 

_ Robin closes his eyes and Ant traces the wound with his hands, caresses the bruised cheek with his thumb. It isn’t unknown to them, they have done this so many times, so often. But something changed recently inside Ant. He can’t just caress Robin’s cheek without feeling something. A light feeling which makes him both nauseous and blissful.  _

 

Not long after Robin has vanished and he got introduced to Felix, his father gets murdered. A shot in the chest. They bury him quick, in order to prevent any chaos that might come when they find out the boss has died. And Ant knows that he has to prove himself.

 

He tries to push any thoughts of Robin away, any thoughts covering behind a mask of ruthlessness.

 

He blossoms, he develops himself into another persona. A persona which his father wanted him to be.

 

Sometimes, he wonders whether Robin would have liked the change. But then he reminds himself he changed mainly because Robin isn’t even there. 

 

Ever since that moment with the picture of Robin, Felix hasn’t brought up the subject once again. In a way, he is glad about it. They do what is necessary and the pictures are covered with contracts, dossiers and more. 

 

He wants to forget, because the chance of being alive reduces by the day and he doesn't want to keep his hopes up. He doesn’t want to show the others it is still affecting him.

 

And when people ask about it, he shrugs it off.

 

“He means nothing to me.”

“He is probably dead by now.”

 

Over the years, he has learned on how to keep a straight, emotionless face. And at times, he believes in his own act. 

 

“Should we review the contract we had signed?” Another mafia boss, Jean-Eric, asks him.

“I thought you already liked the contract we had.”

 

They are in Ant’s office, the walls are covered with books and and on the opposite of him, sits Jev. They are business partners, their fathers have been so it is nothing but normal that their sons are business partners as well. He has brown hair, an oval face and brown eyes that radiate power power power. Ant doesn’t just intimidate himself so easily, but he knows that with Jev he should be more careful considering his words.

 

“In general, it gives you great advantages and a great deal of money. But how much of that money do I actually get to see?”

“A significant amount of the money is yours. You got 60 percent to the weapon money and 45 percent of the drug money and the rest was mine. You actually benefit more from this deal than I do.”

“But I go for the best. I want half of the drug money.”

“I might do that,” Ant lights up a cigarette. The habit of smoking is something he has learned himself to do, it makes him feel more powerful.

“But I want something back for that.”

“Oh well, I have some good information for you.”

“I can get good information by myself and my men as well, no thanks.”

“I know one of your men better than you do.” Jev leans forward and grins.

 

“So? You don’t know everything about your own men either.”   
“But you know, I know you are really hesitant on doing this.”   
“But what,” his voice has turned into whispering now, “if I say that it might consider your precious Robin?”

 

Ant stiffens slightly. He hasn’t heard that name for so long. Hardly anyone of his business partners know about his history with Robin. But Jev does.

 

This is however the first time he is mentioning he has more information considering Robin.

 

_ It might be one of his tricks _

 

“No, don’t look at me like at, I am actually - for once - telling the truth,” Jev says as if he had read Ant his mind.

“Why? Why do you bother?”

“Don’t you remember? We used to be training buddies when my dad had sent me down here after receiving some threats.”

 

_ Of course,  _  Ant remembers. The memories come back inside his brain. He remembers Robin vaguely talking about ‘a tall Frenchman with a slight accent who always was better than I was’. Unlike the usual, he didn’t feel insecure about it, as if it was just a fact.

 

“So?” He still doesn’t fully trust it. Why bother to help only now? Robin has disappeared almost two years ago.

 

_ Anything is better than nothing. _

 

That does it.

 

“Deal. What do you have?”

“What’s wrong?”

 

Dani doesn’t respond. He hasn’t been talking often to Robin now and he doesn’t know why. A few days ago they took him away again and ever since, Dani hasn’t spoken much to him and he wonders why.

 

“Nothing,” Dani says harshly and that is enough for Robin to know that there certainly something is wrong. 

 

“You can just tell me, I am your friend.”

 

There is silence, and there is only the soft rhythmic breathing of Dani his breath.

 

“You would loathe me if I told you what is wrong.”

“Tell me anyway. I can never hate you, not after everything you have done for me in this hole. I am not afraid.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

“Have you ever thought on why you were here? Do you know why you are in this hole?”

 

Robin is startled by the question. Of course he has thought about it, of course it has crossed his mind. The scenarios he created inside his mind were endless. They always told him that being here wasn’t a mistake but when he is asking why he is, they stay silent. 

 

“It is because of me, Robin. You are here because of me.”

_ “Felix Rosenqvist isn’t the man you think he is.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “He is keeping a big secret from you and it has something to do with Robin.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “That, that is something you have to ask him yourself.” _

 

He hadn’t felt this afraid for a very long time. What does Felix know that he doesn’t? What is so big of a secret that he hasn’t spoken about his connection to Robin for more than two years?

 

There is a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

The familiar yet estranged face of Felix pops up.  _ What are you hiding from me? _

“You wanted to speak to me?” 

“I did. Come, sit here.”

 

Felix does and rests his hands on his lap, with a look of wonder and surprise on his face.

 

“Why did you want to see me boss?”

“Do you know someone named Robin Frijns?”

“My predecessor? By name, yes. Not personally though?

“You’re lying,” Ant says coldly. “You have been lying about this for two years.”

“No.” Of course he would deny it, he wouldn’t crack that easily. He is an expert liar, like everyone is here.

“Felix, you don’t have to lie for me. I am your friend. And Robin, he just means a lot to me, although I haven’t seen him in a long time. Although I haven’t spoken about him in a long time. You probably also have this special person, one which you care about so much that it almost chokes you, that the emotions that spark up can make you so happy or so sad that it hurts. That you want to protect them so badly and just try to get them back, no matter the cost.” 

Felix flinches, a little bit, hardly noticeable. But Ant does. 

“What is wrong?” 

“I-I can’t tell you.”

“So you do know him.”

“Our paths have crossed before.”

“How?”

“I can’t tell you!” Felix all of a sudden stands up and slams his fist on the table

“Why?”

 

As quickly as he stood up, he sits down and his eyes are looking down to his lap, as if he has done something bad.

 

“I-I can’t say.”

“Why?”

“Because they will kill him if I do.”

“Who? Robin?”

 

Silence.

 

“You told me that Robin is just your special one? Right? How far would you go to protect him? How much are you willing to sacrifice to ensure his safety?”

“Everything,” It comes out without hesitasion. 

 

“If you think that way, then listen. Don’t interrupt me, don’t judge me. Just listen. And if you are willing to risk everything for Robin, then you will understand. Then you will understand why I have done this. Do you promise?” He whispers softly.

 

“I do.”

 

Felix breathes in heavily. His hands are trembling and he radiates off worry and stress

 

_ Was this the good thing? I can’t go back. _

 

“It starts three years ago. That is when my special one - let’s call him Daniel - got taken.” A slight sob escapes from his lips. The memories start flooding back, things he didn’t want to think about.

“I didn’t know how, but a few days later, I got an anonymous letter. I still remember what it said.  _ If you want him back, do as we say. One mistake, and he is dead. _

I was filled with fear - I couldn’t stand the idea of something happening to him because I was too stubborn. One time I tried to disobey, they had sent me a video of him, badly beaten, blood on the floor. It broke my heart, and I hate that I still remember the picture so vividly. I-I thought he was dead, you know. Then ever since I kept quiet and obliged.”

By now Felix’s hands are uncontrollably shaking, his breath is stuttering and tears are flowing down. He doesn’t dare to look up again to Ant. 

 

_ You are going to hate me so much and I wouldn’t blame you. I am hating myself too. _

 

_ Deep breath, calm down. One, two, three, four, five, six. Hold for four seconds. One, two, three, four, five, six.  _

 

“And that’s...that’s when Robin comes into the picture. Around two years ago. They gave me a new assignment. And at first it felt wrong, because I had never done such a thing and I didn’t know how to do it, but once again Daniel’s bloodied face came up and fear took over me. I couldn’t say no. I was too weak.”

 

“They told me to abduct him. I panicked at first.  _ Are they done with me and are they sending me an a kamikaze mission?  _ But somehow, it succeeded. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. There was no sense of victory for me, only guilt, guilt that has been eating me away ever since then. But then I thought I had done something wrong, since their next assignment for me was to work with you. They didn’t want me to do anything, because I had all the damage done by myself. They placed me there to cope with the guilt, to see the man whose heart I had broken so much. Yet I saw a complete other person over the years and you sometimes even convinced me into thinking you didn’t care.

 

But now I know. I know you always did. And I hate the fact that I broke it for what? For what?”

 

“I don’t know what to say, you honestly can hate me now and that is fine. Because you will never be able to hate me as much as I hate myself.”

 

Ant doesn’t notice him leaving, his thoughts are elsewhere.

 

On one side he is angry, he might even be infuriated, but there is his other, more rational side that tries to place himself in that position.

 

_ Your loved one is put in danger and every misstep of you doesn’t punish but punishes Robin. _

 

And that is even worse than if he got hurt by disobeying.

 

It is mental warfare that is so messed up yet so effective. It is a lose-lose situation and no matter what happens or what you do, you get hurt, and that is the sole guarantee you live with and what you endure.

 

That is what convinces him. 

He could punish him or torture him or all these awful things he has done to others so many times. But Felix isn’t just ‘another’.

 

So when he approaches him the next day with the offer to help him, Felix is shocked, distrusting even. But in the end, he went overboard.

 

Because in the end, two are stronger than one.

 

“We don’t want any commotion, this is something we have to do with the two of us.

 

They plan carefully, secretly. And then it is time.

”Do you have any idea where they could be?” 

“I assume they are underground. At least, that is where I would keep them.

 

”Go get Robin, that is what you should do.”

“But I should-”

“I am saying this to you as my friend, and not as your second hand man”

 

Ant is quiet for a moment, unable to protest but not willing to go.

 

“Go!” Felix says, more demanding. “He needs you.”

 

And he goes. Ant finds Robin. He doesn't know what he did, hell, he doesn't even  _ care  _ what he did. He breaks the door open and he didn't think the sight could hurt him. Not when he has seen more things than he likes to admit. He was there when his father was shot point blank in the head, the blood flowing on the floor. Afterwards, his hands had been full of blood. Full of blood that isn't his. 

With his first kill, in which his hands were shaking so heavily afterwards Robin had to hold his hands tight. It felt like there was blood on his hands, on him, although there was nothing.

 

Robin is lying on the ground, and a man is leaning above him. The sound of the door takes his attention of the man on the ground and he is looking at Ant.

 

But Ant is looking at Robin.

 

His body has been battered. His skin is painted with bruises, its colors varying from fresh blue ones to elder greenish ones. He looks skinny, so skinny that it is just unhealthy.

 

For one moment he thinks he is dead, but the slight raising of his chest calms him down, slightly.

 

He looks away from Robin and focuses on the man instead. He maintains himself so that he doesn't attack him immediately. Instead of that he points his gun at him. The man looks happy -no, not happy- rather satisfied.

 

“Don't you fucking dare to touch him again,” Ant says, the anger radiating off all the words. 

 

“How sweet that you care so much for him. But don't you remember what they told you when you were younger? Don't get too attached. There will only be people who want to take advantage of that, at least in this world. You, of all people, should have known better, da Costa.”

 

Ant bites his lip. He knows about them. He knows about the consequences and the risks but he is willing to take them. He was - is- willing to take these risks for him. 

Of course he doesn't say that. Instead Ant hardens his face, tightens the grip of his hands on his gun.  

 

“We are -let's say- some sort of unknown species. Hardly anyone knows about us. But what we do, oh what we do is so important.”

 

“We make you disappear. We take prominent mafiosi to destroy empires. We destroy the corrupt world that is the mafia. And you, you will be next. How disappointed will your father be if he knew that your empire, the kingdom he tried to build for so long falls apart because of a man who can't even defend himself?”

 

Ant knows that his words refer to Robin. Ant knows he is actually strong both physically and mentally but Robin doesn’t credit himself enough for it. He isn't the worst but he isn't the best either. Considers himself average, not enough. The words hurt, because he is his best friend, his lover even. Ant never stopped loving. The question is rather if Robin stopped.

 

But he needs to stay strong. He puts his mask on, tightening his grip on the gun.

 

“The key in killing you is killing him. Torturing might have broken your heart but you were able to mend it and prepare yourself to go through the process again. But with killing him, it will be broken beyond repair. Destroy with destruction.”

 

A shot breaks the silence in the air.

_ Ant _ , a voice says in Robin’s mind.

 

_ Ant is here Ant is here Ant is here. _

 

He could recognise that voice out of thousands.

 

After all these years.

_ After all these years. _

 

It fills him of adrenaline, of energy, of new determination he has lost a long time ago.  _ Of joy _ .

 

He pushes himself up again, which is difficult since he has lost any muscle. It burns, his arms burn but he endures it. 

 

_ What a difference only a person can make. _

 

Their guns are pointed at one another. They stand like that for a long time, and Robin has stopped trying to determine for how long they are there. They don't pay any attention to him, which he is glad of.

 

But then the man’s face twitches, he frowns. Robin has seen this kind of expression on him before, it is the kind of expression he uses before he is going to pull off a final blow to the head, the final series of beatings, the climax. His hands tighten around the gun and Robin just  _ knows.  _

 

He thinks of Ant. He thinks of his soft gestures, he thinks of the softness in his eyes and motions when they kissed for the first time a long time ago. To Robin, Ant is everything soft and gentle. He was always kind to him even in times when he didn't have to be. He thinks of all the things he couldn't say. Things he never could do to fight against it. 

 

He grabs him by the shoulder and shoves him out of the bullet’s way 

 

And that is how it is. That is how it feels when a bullet pierces through skin, through flesh. He stands there on the same spot, as if it hadn't really kicked in before. Then he falls on the ground 

 

His hands instinctively go to his stomach and he feels the blood. The red liquid is staining his hands. He tries to stop the bleeding by putting pressure on the wound but to no avail. There is hardly any power in his limbs anymore and Robin has trouble breathing. His clothing has absorbed lots of blood and there is a puddle of blood surrounding him like a halo, his own blood.

 

This is how it ends. There is no miraculous ending and not everything is a happily ever after. This is how he dies, without glory, he won’t be remembered. He will eventually be forgotten because that is how things go with him. He is just someone that can be easily replaced.

 

He waits, he waits for the downfall, when his heart starts to stop beating, when there is no energy anymore to keep him alive.

 

He closes his eyes and it is okay. ”You did this to him.”

“You did,” Ant speaks with venom, every word he says spills venom.

“Okay, I might have done it. But you let him. He is dead because of you.”

 

That is when Ant looks for the first time at Robin. He has been driven by his adrenaline so far and this is when he allows himself to look at Robin.

 

He better shouldn’t have done that.

 

_ This is because of me. He is dead because of me _ .

 

And all the fight leaves him. Everything was for nothing. How hard he tried, how badly he hoped. It was all for nothing. A rational part of his brain tries to convince himself that Robin did it voluntarily. That he chose for this. 

 

But where did he choose for?

 

He chose someone who couldn’t protect the things he loved. He chose to save someone who wasn’t worth it. 

 

He just isn’t worth Robin, who is a good genuine kind guy who just didn’t deserve him and everything that comes along with it.

 

“Who is the monster now?”

 

Ant stays silent.

 

“You know. Robin is just a poor unfortunate soul but his trust and devotion to you was so, so cute. I was impressed. Poor soul, who desperately held on to something that he thought was good. But his naivety killed him. He thought you were his knight in shining armor but your armor wasn’t that shiny. You weren’t even a knight. You are nowhere near one.”

 

In a reflex, the man puts a knife on Ant his throat.

 

“Look at him. Look at what you have done.”

 

_ No _ . He refuses to. He looks away, up, nowhere near he wants him to be.

 

“Listen closely.” The knife is pushed tighter on his throat and he feels blood dripping from his throat.

 

_ Gone gone gone. _

That is all Ant can think of when he sees Robin. Or rather, what he can’t see. His vision is blurred because of his own tears. But no matter how little he can see, it leaves little up to imagination.

 

When he looks down, Ant notices that his shoes are covered in Robin his blood although he feels like his whole body is covered in it.

 

But he doesn’t want to die. Robin probably doesn’t want him to do so. 

 

He stays still, trying to prevent any further damage to his throat. He is waiting for a weak moment, when the knife isn’t that tight on his throat. 

 

But there is something that surprises him. And he wonders whether he is hallucinating. 

There is a slight raise of the chest, fainty, barely. But it is there. 

 

He is still there and he wants to cry of sheer happiness, but he knows he can't do it just yet. They need to get out of here alive.

 

The knife is getting looser around his neck and  _ now  _ is the time. He grabs the arm that holds the knife and pushes it away. He releases himself from the grip and he is free. 

 

_ Get rid of the knife. _

 

Getting rid of the knife is the key. Then he has considerable chances of living. 

 

He throws himself onto the arm, pushing each other straight to the ground. They struggle on the ground for a moment. Ant is on top of him and he holds the arms of the man underneath of him tight. The knife is still in the man’s hand. And he keeps fighting and he keeps struggling because he knows Robin is a few metres away from him but he can’t do anything to help him.right now. It is a surge of adrenalin that gets him, he wants to do it and at last, he gets the knife out of the man’s hands. He pushes his elbow hard against the arm and he releases it in agony. Ant grabs it quickly without hesitating. 

 

The man stumbles up again, on guard, yet bewildered. Without any hesitastion, he plunges the knife into the man’s stomach.

 

The man coughs up blood before he falls to the ground. Ant pulls the knife out as fast as he can, so that he won’t use it as a weapon against him once again.

 

He rushes towards Robin, in panic, maybe in relief.

 

He falls down to his knees and caresses Robin’s cheek.

 

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but I hope you do.”

 

He holds with his other hand Robin’s hand tight, afraid to let go, never willing to let go.

He feels a twitch, barely there.

 

He isn’t dead, although not yet, he isn’t and he almost wants to cry out of happiness, relief, guilt, exhaustion. There are so many emotions that overwhelm him and he starts to cry.

 

Too shocked and too overwhelmed to even react. Petrified maybe. A sense of disbelief, regret for not getting there sooner. He had convinced himself he would be dead, so seeing him alive is something he doesn’t really know how to handle. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

“It is okay… I… understand. I-I know a-about it. Everything… Dani told me.”

“What?” 

“About keeping it a secret from you. I’m not… angry, and yo-you shouldn’t be too,”

Ant had always been living with the idea that Robin didn’t know, that Robin never understood what happened and why it took so long for him to come.

“Even if you didn’t, I always...believed...you would. I …still love you-”

“I-” Ant is at loss for words, he doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t know what to feel because he feels too much. He doesn’t know what to say because of the fact that Robin had  _ known.  _ Maybe because he had confessed he still loved him, even after all the stuff Robin had to go through because of him. Because Ant can’t even come to terms with himself and what he had done.

 

“I-” 

He feels Robin’s grip on his hand slacken. The light in his eyes had died, and maybe a piece of Ant as well.

Felix and Dani find him not long after, and Ant is a mess. Robin’s bloodied body is lying on his lap and his eyes are red-rimmed, his body is still shaking, as if he is in shock. For the first time in his life, he feels actually broken, both mentally and physically. He feels empty, yet full. They always say that there is a price tag on everything. But this is a price he doesn’t want to pay, he didn’t expect. He can’t let go of him, he doesn’t want to, he never wanted to but now he has to and no, he can’t let go, not after so long of being deprived.

 

He feels haunted of the could have been’s and the what if’s.

 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” It is a half laugh half sob and he feels like he is going crazy. “I should have been there earlier.”

 

_ “Why would you die for me?” _

 

Both Felix and Dani notice themselves being shocked and upset, and if they are so upset how would Ant feel? Who has practically grown up with him, who he knows for so long. His hurt affects them in such a strong way because he has done so so much for them and they feel like they weren’t able to pay him back.

 

So Felix and Dani let him be, because if they were in his position, they probably wouldn’t want to be disturbed in any sort of way. They let him mourn alone in peace, because the loss of an loved one is a feeling you only can deeply relate to if you had a strong personal loss as well.

 

They are both sad but they keep it for themselves. They have to be strong now for the one who they both owe so much to. They will cry later, all on their own because that is what they do.

 

Trying to pretend they are strong.

What they have both done their whole lives.

“You did well,” Felix says, reassuring. Dani sits there in silence.

Felix’s words don't seem to kick in. 

 

Ant didn’t want to come. Coming there was too painful, it hurt too much. He is still in a kind of shock, still in a state of denial on how it could have happened. It would have been too painful for him. It was hard to do so, but this was something he wasn’t ready for. He wasn’t ready for a whole funeral with everyone. He needs to mourn on his own first and then he can mourn at the grave later. Doing that in public is not a good idea and when the blonde offered this, Ant only offered a weak nod, too tired to speak.

 

“Why do I feel like I am responsible for everything? I started a domino effect which ended up like this. I got abducted, you were forced to abduct Robin, that other guy wanted to take him back and now they is dead. God, and I didn’t even know him that properly. I should be filled with gratitude because he enabled to free us but now he is dead and all I can feel is guilt. Because of me they are dead.”

 

“I should have been more on guard.”

 

“Dani,” Felix says sincerely, “There is nothing you could do against it. That sounds harsh, but you need to realise that you had no influence in this. You weren’t able to do anything that might have influenced their decisions. I, I was afraid, I was so so so so afraid and I just wanted you back. And that is how Ant was too. Although you didn’t know him -and I didn’t know Robin, he was determined to find him,no matter what the costs were. Don’t put the blame on yourself, and if you feel like you are carrying the burden on your own, you aren’t.”

 

“We will do it together. For Robin. For us.”

 

“For you.” Dani says quietly. He intertwines his hand around Felix’s.

 

“For you.” He says when he looks at the gravestone. _ Dear Ant, _

 

_ By the time you’ll be reading this -  _ if _ you ever get to read this, I will most likely be dead. _

_ And I have come to terms with it by now. _

_ Is it because I have given up? Maybe, maybe not. At least I know nobody comes out here alive and I think that is why. _

_ Because, fuck, how could I ever give up on you? Answer : not. I have never forgotten about you, but how could I not? Not when you were always stuck in my mind somewhere, although the spark of hope is not as big anymore, it still exists. I currently am still alive, able to write this, because of you. I am not residing in a body bag, because of you. _

 

_ As I said, you might never get to read this, but there is something satisfying in writing your thoughts down, it gives a certain sense of comfort because at least you have it told, although on paper. But if you do get to read this, please please please don’t beat yourself up. You have absolutely nothing to blame. You are not the villain in my story, anything but. _

_ You kept me going through my darkest days, in which I just wanted to give up and just talk - no, confess - but I didn’t. _

 

_ My father always taught me that your life came first, and mine came second. I have always lived with that. I never told them anything that could cause any potential damage to you, because your life came first, and mine second. _

_ I never minded that, it never felt as an obliged thing to do because I wanted to do that myself as well. _

 

_ “Why?” You might ask, “Why dev _ _ ote your life to somebody else and just count yourself away?”  _

_ I might never told you, but because I love you. For such a long time I was too afraid to act on it. Afraid of rejection, of you telling your father and me being killed. _

_ But when it was mutual, it was worth the fear of being caught. You were worth it.  _

 

_ Somehow, I am glad that we are in this life we are living. Because you were there. _

 

**Author's Note:**

> playlist 
> 
> i found - amber run  
> funeral - zara larsson  
> blood like gasoline - against the current  
> can’t pretend - tom odell  
> game of survival - ruelle  
> i just died in your arms - cutting crew  
> just one yesterday - fall out boy (ft. foxes)  
> parting glass - ed sheeran  
> walk through the fire - zayde wolf (ft. ruelle)  
> feels like the end - mikky ekko


End file.
